THIS AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE!

Everything I have read by writers on how to write has said that discipline and a schedule is key. Sit down at the keyboard at the same time every day and go to work. Treat it as a job. Even if you don't feel like it, sit down and get to work...just like a job. So, I've decided to give it a go to see what happens.

Well, so far so good. Got a whole paragraph...Ooh, I wonder if I have any emails...?

Right, back at it, discipline, schedule.

Start with an idea, work at fleshing it out...I wonder if anybody read my Facebook post? Better go check, won't take but a minute.

Damn, OK, work, work work.

Characters will need a back story to make them feel real and...I'm hungry. Is there still peanut butter cookie dough in the freezer? Better go check, could really use some cookies to settle the hungries, can't work on an empty stomach.

Much better now. Back at it.

What is the protagonist's motivation? What about the antagonist? Have the dogs been out for their walk yet? Come on hounds, let's get this done, I've got work to do.

Will I need a written timeline to keep from getting getting confused and lost in my own story? Is "Doctor Who" on television today? Big fan, don't want to miss an episode...

Well, look at that! If you just sit down and get at it with discipline and a schedule...Ahh tired, off to bed.

I'M JUST SAYIN'

Wikipedia is running their call for donations banner on the top of the wiki page. The Wikipedia banner says Wikipedia is the number 5 website in the world. I googled this and the Wikipedia page for "top websites" says Wikipedia is number 6 in the world. Somebody at Wikipedia needs to pay more attention.

I love coffee and I also love gadgets so this makes sense to me. I have a regular coffee maker for full pots of coffee, a Keurig machine for single cups, a Krups Nescafe Dolce Gusto machine for frothy flavoured fru fru coffee, a grinder and French Press for when I'm feeling snobbish, a kettle for boiling water for instant coffee for my trailer park days and, hiding somewhere, a stove top percolator. Is this weird? I don't think so but weird people doing weird things never think they are weird.

At work we carry a line of ATV wheel rims. The company who makes them calls the rims the toughest on the market with a lifetime guarantee that says if you break, or even dent, a rim the company will replace it. When the product arrived all the boxes were marked "Fragile". My confidence lessens.

I am an agnostic bordering on atheism and I say Merry Christmas. The people I know with Christian beliefs say Merry Christmas. My Jewish friends wish me a Merry Christmas. The Islamic store owners where I shop wish me a Merry Christmas. Who, exactly, is offended by wishing someone a Merry Christmas? Near as I can figure, 3 over the top politically correct do-gooders with too much time on their hands and a desire for their 15 minutes of fame bitched loudly and, voila, 2.2 billion of us are supposed to say "Happy Holidays".
Nope, you can piss off. Merry Christmas it will be.

RETIREMENT

I have been giving some thought to retirement lately. Not that I dislike my job, I love my job, but retirement usually looms for everybody. Here is how I see this playing out.

The year is 2039 and I am 81 years old. I am working as a greeter at the front doors of our local Mega-Wal-Target-Mart when my brain-implant cell phone rings. It is my mom. She tells me my dad just broke his ankle stopping a puck while playing hockey. She says she isn't going to look after the silly old bugger because it will screw up her ski season. So she's shipping him over to my house for 6 weeks until he heals. I call my wife. She says it sounds like a great idea. The kids and grand kids would love having Grandpa in the house.

This is when the shortness of breath and chest pains start.

There is darkness, no white light to follow and the last thing I hear is a stranger's voice yelling "CLEAR"...then, nada.

Ahhh, retirement.

MORE STUFF

Technology and I have come to an agreement. Well, maybe more of an understanding. Perhaps best described as an impasse. Truth be told, technology wins, I am waving the white flag. No matter how many functions I learn for my phone, laptop or tablet I only get about half way there when the hardware and software update me into a new state of frustration and confusion.

It is very important that freshly washed and dryed socks be matched and folded. If you try to keep all your socks loose in the sock drawer you are tempting the fates. Trust me, I tried this once and it was spooky. I own about twenty pair of identical white socks and about 2 pair of black ones. I tossed them willy nilly in the sock drawer thinking statistics will allow me to pull a matching pair out in the dark with no more than three draws. The next morning I grab a white one then a black one then a red one then a grey one then a blue one then a green one with toes then a black silk stocking...oh wait, that was in there before...then a pink one. I really don't know what happened but I always match and fold my socks now.

If a seagull from Vancouver happens to run into a seagull from Newfoundland, will the Vancouver gull understand anything the Newfie gull is squawking about?

The universe is out to get me. No matter how far I get ahead the universe will boot my ass just that much further back. If I find $20.00 in a coat pocket I will rip my jeans and need to replace them. If I get a larger paycheck from overtime I get a flat tire and need to replace it. A large refund from Revenue Canada equals a major dental bill not covered by insurance. When push comes to shove I am absolutely terrified of winning the Lottery.

On the up side of life, my wife still loves me and she has nice boobs.

CONFUSING STUFF

The universe is a big and confusing place. In my little part of it here are some things that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out.

In Calgary there are thousands of miles of residential roads, streets, drives, crescents, cul de sacs and so on. But somebody's crappy old Yugo will always make it out of theses quiet, uncrowded parts of town just to finally break down in the middle of one of 5 major intersections at rush hour.

Television shows I can't stand manage to go on for season after season never to end. Shows I really like and watch from the premier usually last for about 3 episodes. Shows that I like that are still on the air I started watching late and have to play catch-up through re-runs.

I wear glasses and they are progressives which are kind of like bi-focals without the lines. In the winter when I come inside they fog up. For some reason they clear from the bottom up which means the reading portion of my glasses is clear before the part I need to actually see where I'm going clears up. Thump, thump, bang...found the stairs.

While in the kitchen, drop a sandwich, watch as it hits the floor. Drop an egg, watch as it hits the floor. Drop a jug of milk or juice, watch as it hits the floor. Drop a cup, plate or bowl, watch as it hits the floor. Drop the largest, sharpest chef's knife in my arsenal...oh, that I'll try and catch.

More to follow...maybe.

PLATITUDES

It's been a stressful week or so. Nothing unusual, same old same old; global climate change, world hunger, over population, whack job countries with nuclear weapons, my car making a new weird noise. You know...stuff. I'm feeling better now, as is my car, but it got me thinking. When people are feeling low about, well, whatever, we tend to offer some platitude or another to try to help. It never helps and we know it won't, of course, but we do it anyway.

I don't know if it's because I take stuff too literally but platitudes make me crazy. I know what the idea is behind the statements but in my head...

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." What if you are allergic to citrus? What if you don't like lemonade, is it alright to make perogies instead? What if you cut yourself slicing the lemons and get the juice in the cut? Have you ever got lemon juice in a cut? Screw lemonade.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I crashed a motorcycle on the street, was in two car accidents, broke a bone playing squash, crashed an atv into a tree, crashed a motorcycle in front of a class I was teaching, crashed a dirt bike and got thrown into a tree. None of these killed me but they sure didn't make me stonger, hell, they didn't even make me smarter.

"Go with the flow." Right, ask the lemmings how that works for them. Or, what if you fall off a raft and are now heading towards class 5 rapids and then a waterfall? Nope, not going with the flow.

"Time heals all wounds." This is just ass backwards. I am in my 50's and all time is doing is reminding me a little more every year of the wounds I suffered when I was younger.

"Everything happens for a reason." Of course everything happens for a reason. You could be walking down the street minding your own business and get hit by a meteor, of all things. The reason? Orbital mechanics, gravity and bad luck. Nobody said everything happens for a GOOD reason.

"This too shall pass." This makes me think of kidney stones. Yes, they will pass but what a painfully rough ride. This is no help at all.

"Man up." Hahahaha. You want a guy to be tougher or stronger or more ethical or moral you shouldn't tell them to "Man Up" for God's sake, you should tell them to "Woman Up". If don't know why, you don't know a thing about the women around you.

Don't offer platitudes, they are silly. You want to help, give 'em a hug. Hugs work.

SIZE

Does size really matter? Is bigger really better? Is it all about how long it takes? Just because it's big and goes on an on does that make it "good"? Isn't it nice, sometimes, just to dive right in and get to the point? Sometimes I'm a little tired: sometimes you might be a little tired but we are still in the mood. Sometimes one of us may have a headache but willing to press on. And, sometimes, I don't have much to say and this blog will be a little on the small side.

I wonder if it's because it's cold out?

SHOPPING

I like shopping...mostly. I like the usual manly shopping stuff like cars and motorcycles. Oh, yes, definitely motorcycles. And electronics, I really like electronics, too. Hardware stores and home renovation stores, yup and yup. Oh, and Jetpacks. I really like shopping for Jetpacks. Or at least I will, when they finally open "Jetpacks R Us". I used to like shopping for toys when the boys were younger and I hope to do so again when the next generation (finally) rolls around.

I am also, however, a fan of some of the less traditionally manly shopping sites. I like grocery shopping, not sure why. Probably because I like to cook...and eat. I like shopping malls too, especially during Christmas. I even like clothes shopping, although it's hard to tell by the way I dress.

My all time favorite place to shop? The book store. Any bookstore. The big chain bookstores, the small independent bookstores, the corner used bookstore. Even the public library. Hours and hours of time well wasted.

There is one place, though, that I absolutely hate going to. And that place is Ikea. I have only been there once and there will never be a twice. I discovered a world of things to hate about Ikea but several comedians made the same points much better than I could. However, what none have mentioned, and what irked (yes, irked) me most were the lines on the floor to indicate lanes to walk in and arrows to point which way to go. These are not arrows to point the way to something in particular but what direction Ikea wants you to go and the lines to tell you where to be while going there. I, of course, ignored all this and, my God, the dirty looks I got from people! Almost hostile. Couldn't I see the Lines? Couldn't I see the arrows?

Well, For all you stay between the lines and follow the arrows Ikeabots I have one word...MOO.

DARN!

DARN!

I

GOT

N

U

T

H

I

N

DO WA DITTY DITTY

When I started out on Facebook

I took it nice and slow

A "comment" here and then a "share"

Let those creative juices flow

As my posting comfort level grew

So did my output level

A silly rant a naughty rave

My friends said "Rick, you Devil."

And then the Instigator said

"A blog's the thing for you."

The Motivator egged her on

Said "It's just the thing to do."

So now you stare upon the words

That tumble from my brain

This blogging certainly is some fun

I shall be doing this again.

A LITTLE RANDOMNESS

A guy driving in front of you bops from lane to lane, never once using a signal light, only to get stuck behind someone plodding along under the speed limit with his signal light blinking merrily away. Wow Karma and Newton's Third Law of Motion working together. Cool.

Religion, a billion dollar industry, with enough variation to make anyone happy. Porn, a billion dollar industry with enough deviance to make anyone happy. Yin and Yang, more balancing of the universe.

Money cannot buy happiness...but it would buy a jetpack...which would make me happy...if there were jetpacks to buy...which there is not...money cannot buy happiness.

I like fresh fruits and vegetables but I also like hot dogs and fried spam. I think about how crazy skydivers are, risking their lives like that, while riding my motorcycle on Deerfoot trail at rush hour. I have a current cell phone, a lap top and an iPod but also a VHS player a reel to reel and a turntable. I am a complex and mysterious kind of fella.

My wife is a hottie...after 20 sumthin' years married to me...still a hottie. This is not just me thinking this...other guys too. I know this because other guys hit on her. Which is cool with me because I am her man and I know this because she tells me so. Women don't hit on me, though. Which I do understand as I do own a mirror and a scale. Had a guy hit on me a couple of years ago but he was just making his boyfriend jealous and I was nearby.

I do not do drive through anything. Not coffee, not food, not weddings not anything. Don't know why, they are just as likely to screw up my order inside as out. Just don't like it.

I think my brain is broken. When people post those word search things on facebook and tell me 90 percent of all people will see the same word right off the bat, I think to myself "What the hell does 'XFERBLUNPH' mean?" On the other hand, there is also those "Name a Band/City/Song Title/Sexual Position that does not have the letter (pick a letter) in it" I find these so simple I must be missing something. Anybody with a RUDIMENTARY understanding of the English language and a grade 3 education can figure these things out. Unless, as I said, I am missing something. In which case, never mind.

WHERE'S MY JET PACK?

Science and technology has abandoned me, crushing my childhood dreams in the process. Where is my jet pack? 

I am not the first to whine about this very thing. Many others have noted that the personal jet pack, developed back in the 1960's and used by James Bond, has never made it into general use. Why not? While we're at it, where's my flying car? It, too, exists (check www.moller.com) and I want one. What the hell is going on?

In 1962 President Kennedy said we would go to the moon. In 1969 there we be. In seven years we go from a little piece of crap satellite wobbling about in low earth orbit to putting a man on the moon...seven years. So, it's been 44 years and my patience, and hair, are wearing thin. I want my 21st century futuristic goodies.

I may sound like a petulant 6 year old not getting his way but come on, its been 44 years. What have we accomplished in that time? Do we have a colony on the moon? Space stations the average joe can go visit? A stable population? Efficient, clean alternative energy? A healthy environment? World peace?

I'll tell you what we have. We have a mobile phone. In 44 years we have taken our best and brightest, thrown a crap load of money at them and said "The only thing the world needs is a mobile phone." And here we are. Want to watch a movie? It's on your phone. How about a mini computer? On your phone. Want to take pictures, listen to music, send a message, make your own movie, find out where you are, find out where your friends are, find out how to get there? All on your phone. Oh yeah, I think it still makes phone calls too. Or at least there's an App for that.

I'm going outside for a bit. Gonna gaze at the moon a bit. Dream a bit.

Still want a jet pack.

FASHION...HUH?

Fashion rules baffles me.

I realise you only need to walk into a Wal-Mart to see that fashion baffles a lot of people but that is not what I mean. I mean all the rules about fashion baffle me. All the do's and don'ts, what to wear, when to wear it, what goes with what. Those of us born without the "good fashion sense" gene want a rule book. Not some doofus fashion magazine article extolling mauve is the new chartreuse or some book intended for those with Bill Gates kind of money but an explanatory rule book.

Why can't I wear white after Labour day? Did some 319 year old rich biddy in a white jumpsuit fall in a snowbank and lay lost until Memorial Day?

Why do I need to wear a tuxedo to go to the opera or symphony? (Don't ask why I would want to go in the first place). Does the bow tie, sufficiently tight, constrict the blood flow to the point you enjoy the show?

Why can't I wear socks with sandals? Feet are not pretty, they should be disguised.

Why can't I wear blue jeans on so many golf courses? Ankle socks, yellow plaid shorts, a lime green striped shirt and a baseball cap are ok, though. I don't even have a theory.

Why can a woman wear pants and a shirt and tie and no one will bat an eye but I step out in a slinky black number and stilettos...oh, never mind, I get that one.

The list goes on. I want a rule book.

TEST

This is just a test. If this were a real blog, well, there would be blogging. This is a test. Go back to doing whatever.