GREAT CANADIAN NOVEL

Finally getting started on my novel. First job, pick a genre then an opening.

THE MYSTERY NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy night. He awoke to see his butler, Jeeves, at the foot of his bed with a cleaver in one hand and a feather duster in the other.

THE THRILLER NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy night. He awoke to see the beautiful Russian spy at the foot of his bed with a silenced pistol in one hand and a martini in the other.

THE WAR NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy night. He awoke to see the enemy soldier at the foot of his cot with a rifle in one hand and a grenade in the other.

THE FANTASY NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy night. He awoke to see the ogre at the foot of his bed with a battle axe in one hand and a sword in the other.

THE ROMANCE NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy night. He awoke to see the naked woman at the foot of his bed with a case of beer in one hand and the TV remote in the other.

THE SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy solar system. He awoke to see the alien at the foot of his anti-gravity sleeping platform with nothing in its four hands but 6 inch razor like claws.

THE HORROR NOVEL
It was a dark and stormy night. He awoke to see the ghost of his last three murder victims at the foot of his bed.

Well, this doesn't seem too hard. TALLY-HO!!!

POLITICS.

I know I am not the first person to notice that when asked a question, fluffy or hard hitting, no politician worth his salt will give a straight, or even relevant, answer. They can prattle on forever dodging the real question until the asker wanders away with glazed eyes or drops dead from old age. But how far will a politician go to avoid answering even a straight forward question that has only one possible answer?

Lets set the scene. The leaders of all of Canada's Federal political parties have gathered together in Mrs. Huffernoodle's class of 8 year olds to answer the little darlings skill testing questions.

First student up is "Little Timmy" (because I love a cheap cliché).
"How much is 2+2?" He asks all innocent like.

LEADER OF THE GOVERNING PARTY
Well, Timmy, that is a very good, but complicated, question. In today's economic climate it is virtually impossible to foresee the intrinsic value of a thing. Is 2 really worth 2 or is it now a handful of beans or has it's value risen to a goat and 3 chickens? These are complicated times and require convoluted solutions. We will conduct a full investigation in the 2+2 matter and should have a definitive answer by the time you retire.

LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION PARTY
Timmy, as usual, the Honorable Prime Minister has avoided the question entirely. And we, as opposition, want to know WHY! We have irrefutable evidence that the P.M.'s office has known the answer to the 2+2 question for months but for political reasons, has kept this from the public. It is just one more scandal to leak out of the P.M.'s office this year. We promise you, Timmy, that should we be elected, our first order of business will be to find out who knew about 2+2, when did they know about it and why it was not made public.

LEADER OF THE WANNA-BE PARTY
Timmy, It does not matter what 2+2 equals. What matters is it is not 1+3 or 3+1 or any other unequal division of goods. For too long the rich get richer on the blood and sweat of the working class. No, Timmy, the question is not how much is 2+2 but the much more important 1+1+1+1 equals bread and circuses for everyone.

LEADER OF THE OFFICIAL SECOND LANGUAGE PARTY
Timothee, as the question was not posed in both official languages it is a Constitutional Non-Non to answer at this time. Please submit your question, in writing, in both languages, and we will add the request to our next referendum.

LEADER OF THE ENVIROMENT PARTY
Good question, Billy. 2+2 equals whales...and climate change...plus pipeline protests...and...has anyone seen my other sandal?...oooh brownees (giggle titter giggle giggle)...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

IT'S MAGIC

There is magic in my life.

Not the "Wow, married for 25 years, that's magical!" kind of magic. That was hard work, team work, commitment, communication and compromise. Nor is it the "Great job raising the boys, that's magical!" kind of magic. That, too, was hard work, team work, commitment, communication and compromise.

Nope, I'm talking good old fashioned mystical magic. Magic wand waving magic; Hogwarts style magic; nose twitching, bewitching kind of magic; a freaky, goose bump raising, boy is this weird kind of magic.

It's a magical blanket, well, a comforter to be exact, and it is incredibly powerful.

I have not been sleeping well lately and it has been concerning "The Explorer" so she said it was time for some big time ju-ju...THE BLANKIE. Just an ordinary looking comforter on the outside but holy smoke what power. First night, fantastic sleep. Second night, another fantastic sleep. Every night since, great sleeps.

Why hasn't this magical blanket been on the bed all along , I ponder? "The Explorer" explains that you don't just toss around powerful magic like an old tennis ball. It requires responsible use and great care. It must not be used frivolously.

I don't care.

The blankie is mine...aren't you, my precious...

THE MATHEMATICS OF ME

I was born in 1958.
The day of the month was 27.
My name, Richard Loucks, has 13 letters.
1958 + 27 + 13 = 1998.
My month of birth is May or the 5th month.
I have 2 siblings.
5 -2 = 3
1998 divided by 3 equals...oh, poo...666!
Well, I didn't see that coming. I am actually quite a nice guy! Evil? Me?

Let's try this again.

I am married to a lovely lady who was born in 1967.
My first son was born in 1987.
My second son was born in 1993.
1967 + 1987 + 1993 = 5947.
One son is 26 and the other is 21
5947 + 26 + 21 = 5994.
I am 9 years older than my wife.
5994 divided by 9 is...what? Again? 666?
This is not going as planned. Trust me, I am a sweety.

Okay, one more time.

My height is 72 inches.
My inseam is 32 inches.
72 times 32 = 2304.
My shoe size is 10.
My waist is 36 inches.
10 times 36 = 360.
2304 + 360 = 2664.
My wife and me and our two boys equal 4.
2664 divided by 4 is...well...I'll be darned...666!

Okay then, I accept my fate. BWAHAHAHAHA, I am evil incarnate. I shall implement my devilish plans for world domination...tomorrow...after a good nights sleep...and a sensible breakfast.