I, am an amazing fella. Just ask my wife...or my Mom...or anybody really. I can ride a motorcycle in a straight line at slow speed without putting a foot down. Dogs wag their tails when I come near. Cats jump into my lap to be rubbed. I can pick up a crying baby and turn the tears to giggles. I convinced a hot girl, 27 years ago, to spend the rest of her life with me. I have two boys that actually like to spend time with me. Women of all ages think I am "A nice guy". Hell, I can't even stuff a fiver in a stripper's g-string without her wagging her... um...fingers at me and whispering "No need big guy, on the house." I am imbued with the pure, unadulterated essence that is "Rickishness". I also have an extremely vivid imagination.
Yup, I am amazing. I can learn new things, I can make new friends, I can visit new places, I can even figure out new electronic gadgets...wait...hmm...new electronic gadgets...let's see...crap. The one thing that turns me into that cranky, frustrated, guy nobody wants to be around...new electronics, particularly phones.
I'm not going to talk about my cell phone, I can't even begin to talk about the issues I have with understanding my cell phone. I can call out, answer incoming, and text...that's about it. It's a Samsung Galaxy 5 and people tell me it does other stuff but not that I can figure out. But no, not the cell phone, this little rant is aimed at our new office phones.
Don't get me wrong, the new phones are great. They are new and clean and the cords don't fall out and the sound is really good and all the buttons work. Ah, the buttons, all 36 of them. Yes, 36 buttons and every one does something different. You can transfer and park and conference and hold and get messages and get e-mails and page others and intercom others and buttons that are not marked but do stuff and and and...
Our first few days with the new phones involved much confusion and staring at the things, wondering what button to push to make the weird noise go away and allow a conversation with a customer. Also, should you connect with said customer, what button to push to make the phone go on hold without losing the call while looking for whatever the customer needed. Oooh, many grumpy customers those first few days.
Right, grab the manual. I swear to God I am not an idiot, but I could not understand a word in that thing. There is no way that manual was written by an English speaking person who has actually used the phone themselves. First of all, it is about 4 pages long...36 buttons explained in 4 pages. It is also filled with acronyms. The last page lists what the acronyms stand for, but I think it's in Swahili. It also uses English words (I think) to describe certain functions but with no context to explain...
"To perform a magical thing, place phone at 90 degrees relative to the sun and press the appearance button of your choice. This will cause rainbows and unicorns to defeat the dragons that have left messages in the internal call messaging centre that can be accessed by pressing the appearance button that was not selected initially in the first place. Select the proper PFK button that is not earmarked for other use to complete the process of dragon slaying and message erasure prior to being able to listen to said message. This procedure will not work, for obvious reasons, on Tuesdays. For the Tuesday procedure please access the online manual which is, as explained in the third manual which can be purchased through Amazon.com, written in Latin."
My brain started melting and leaking out of my ears.
Fortunately, help arrived prior to my committing phonicide in the form of a pair of "New Phone Trainers for the Curmudgeonly"...one was 12 years old and the other was, well, 12 years old. Three words into the training session my eyes glazed over and the brain melting resumed. I was in need of some serious adult supervision if I was going to learn this phone.
New work week starting tomorrow...the adventure will continue.
Oh, should my boss happen across this little missive...
All's well, phones are great, no problem, nothing to see here...
