PLAN "B"

There are a whole lot of people in the world going through life with a plan. Timetables, life goals, financial goals, career goals, retirement goals...then there is me. I never really had a plan. I spent my early adult days merrily skipping through life with the thought, in the back of my mind, that shit will just work out. Then I met the "Explorer", fell in love, had a kid,  got married, had another kid and continued to be in love; but still no plan.

The "Explorer", however, has a plan. It is a simple plan. The two of us will spend our days merrily skipping through life hand in hand with the thought, in the back of our minds, that shit will just work out...until the end when (and this is the core of the plan), with no particular method in mind, we shall bow out together and haunt the kids. This is plan "A". I, being the puppy dog that I am, wag my tail, run in circles and bark "Good plan, works for me!"

Last night I discover there is a plan "B". I am not involved in plan "B"...except for finishing the original plan ahead of schedule, and alone.

While out on the back deck, enjoying the evening and catching up with each other's day, the "Explorer" drops the plan "B" bombshell. "If you do head off to check out the other side without me", she says, "I know a guy who, should his wife suffer a similar fate, will hook up with me."

My tail wags a little less enthusiastically.

I am, however, a realist. As I give her plan "B" some thought I remind myself of a few things. I am 9 years older than the "Explorer" and a man and therefore more likely to skip out first (according to statistics) and I do ride a motorcycle, which ain't the safest way to travel. With these things in mind I realize the "Explorer's" plan "B makes sense. And because shit happens, I need a plan "B" too!

This is where I bump into the two biggest roadblocks for a sucessful plan "B". I have no idea what I am doing and how the hell am I going to get somebody into my life when I suffer from the most debilitating of conditions ever to afflict a man.

I am a moron when it comes to women.

If a lady's subtle hints of interest in me is not followed with a smack upside of my head with a 2x4, I will, as I have several times in the past, react in a manner conducive to nights at home alone. How I ever managed to find the lovely "Explorer" and keep her in my life for the last 27 years is more of a testament to the existence of a higher being than any smarts on my part. My only saving grace is I am very aware of this shortfall and my plan is to circumvent the problem through delegation. I will petition my friends for help finding me  a plan "B" partner.

So, here we go...my resume: I am house trained, have a job, am reasonably hygienic, have most of my own teeth, some of my own hair and was even romantic once. Spread the word, my friends, what a catch!

I am counting on everyone I know to help me out with this. My only alternative will be to implement plan"C". I do not like plan "C". It involves long, rambling, in depth conversations with myself, out loud, in public places...and living with way to many cats in a small, funny smelling studio apartment.

I sure hope plan "A" works out.

MOTORCYCLE MECHANICS 101

Most of us have replaced an automobile battery at one time or another. Take the bolts off the leads and the retaining strap, remove the leads from the posts, pull the old battery out, put in the new battery and reverse the process to attach all the parts. Job done, 15 minutes.

Then there is the motorcycle, mine in particular.

As with all projects it is most important to get all your tools in order. You will need a flashlight, a magnet, a wrench, several screwdrivers, a white tarp, knee pads, a first aid kit and lots of the liquor of your choice. Some of these may seem a little counter-intuitive, like the screwdrivers, but will become clear as we get further along.

First off, lay out the tarp and park the bike on top. The tarp will cushion the nuts, bolts and screws, if dropped as you take them out (and will definitely drop, over and over again when trying to put back in), so they don't bounce off the concrete and wander away to live with the single sock missing from the morning laundry. And as the tarp is white you will almost have a chance of finding the darn things.

Take out the two bolts holding the top of the battery case in place, dropping one on the tarp and the other into the bike frame. Use the flashlight and magnet to locate and then dig out the one in the frame and find the one on the tarp by kneeling on it and embedding it in one of your knee pads. Set these aside somewhere you will forget about when you need them later.

Take out the four bolts holding the front of the battery case. See above for the dropping and digging and kneeling procedure. This step will also include the skinning of knuckles (both hands) thus bringing into play the first aid kit. These bolts should be placed in a tray or dish you can kick over when reaching for them when it is time to put them back into place.

At this point the battery is fully exposed. Take out the bolts holding the positive and negative leads repeating the dropping, digging, kneeling and first aiding then remember you have new nuts and bolts for the new battery in the box.

Pull out the old battery and replace it with the new one. Start replacing the nuts and bolts and case parts in the reverse order as above. If done properly the knuckle skinning will be in the opposite direction making a nice symmetric design.

You are now done. It is at this point the knee pads perform double duty. Drop to your knees and pray to the Deity of your choice, turn the key and push the starter button. No flames, no explosions and the bike starts?
Congratulations!

Oh, almost forgot about the alcohol. The bike is now running, insurance and registration are current and in place, time to go for a ride. Open the garage door and...of course, it's pissing down rain. Time to drown your sorrows.

Welcome to motorcycle mechanics.

NURSERY RHYMES

Eenie meenie miney mo

Catch a tiger by the toe

If it hollers let it go

And then it eats your face off, bro.

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99 bottles of beer on the wall

99 bottles of beer

Take one down and pass it around

The flu or a cold  is now brewing for all.

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London Bridge is falling down

Falling down, falling down

London Bridge is falling down

Now the Thames is full of cars

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BUCKET LIST

Ah, the Bucket List. The lofty yet to be achieved goals, the sights not seen and the deeds not done; all neatly written or typed in a list to be marked or ticked or crossed off as each is completed. All in the hopes of finishing before you "Shuffle off this mortal coil." Or in the vernacular, Kick the Bucket.

I do not have a bucket list. I do have a bucket...and a sponge and a mop and a list from the "Explorer" but it involves things SHE wants me to do before I die and if I kick that bucket I can darn well clean that mess up too.

But I digress.

My list (more of a sticky note really) is a list of things high on others "want to do" list that I have every intention of avoiding and said items can stay in that bucket keeping the sponge and mop company.

So, for better or worse, here is my list of top 5, never to be done in this (or any other) lifetime, items.

Swim With Sharks - I don't know why this is on anybody's list. Am I the only one who remembers the Jaws movies? Sharks are big and mean and always hungry. Want to swim with something? Swim with dolphins. Or better yet, hit the hot tub.

Get a Tattoo - I have nothing against tattoos. I like tattoos. I have friends with tattoos and both my sons have pretty cool tattoos. I, however, don't like getting shots. I whimper and cringe at the thought of a flu shot let alone 5287 shots in a row in virtually the same place.

Run a Marathon - Well this is just silly. A marathon is 26 miles long and 26 miles is very, very far and I am very, very lazy. I mean, really, this is why we have cars. Now, if a shark with legs and tattoos was chasing me...nope, gonna take the car.

Bungee Jump - Let's see, tie a big rubber band to my feet, stand at the edge of a platform, hurl myself off into the void...did that pimply face kid in charge even look up from his texting to see if the other end of the rubber band was attached to anything? I'll pass.

Skydiving - This one seems to be a big one with the bucket list folks. I, on the other hand, was paying attention during my high school physics classes. Things like gravity, acceleration, mass, velocity and the all important deceleration. You know the old adage..."It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the bottom."

Nope, life is pretty good as it is. I think I shall just keep puttering along and enjoy the ride.