CONVERSATIONS WITH...

Conversations with:

MYSELF
Yup. I talk to myself. Not long conversations, mind you, just short little snippets that just kind of pop out of my mouth instead of staying in my head where they belong.
Walking from one room into another - "And I am here why?"
Seeing myself in the mirror before hopping in the shower - "Jesus. I gotta start doing some push ups."
And then those comments I blurt more often than I care for:
"Where the hell are my keys?"
"Where the hell is my phone?"
"Where the hell is my book?"
"Where the hell is my watch?"
And worst of all..."Where the hell are my glasses so I can find out where the hell my keys and phone and book and watch are?"

MY MOTORCYCLE
To be truthful here, I don't actually talk to my bike, it's more like yelling at it during the course of something scary I have gotten myself into. Things like:
"Lean! Lean more! MORE, you fat bastard or we're gonna die!"
Then there's...
"Jesus...STOP!"
This next one is really frightening...
"That noise is new...why are you making that noise?"
And, lastly, the most common for me...
"Oh shit...don't do that/go there!"
On the bright side I am still alive.

MY CUSTOMER
For some reason I hate when a customer starts with this...
Him: I have a question...
Me: Shoot.
Him: I have a 2007 Yamaha R6...
Me: No, no, I did not mean "shoot " as in go ahead, I meant "shoot" as in "Well, shoot, I know already I don't really want to talk to you; it's probably going to be long and painful and fruitless."
Him: What?
Me: Never mind...go ahead...how can I help you today?
And...long, painful, and fruitless.

MY DOG
Let's face it, if you have a dog you talk to it like it is a human being; a stupid human but still we talk and hope for the best.
Me: "Who's a good girl?"
Sadie: "Woof" Lick, lick, lick.
Me: "Are you a good girl?"
Sadie: "Woof" Lick, lick, lick.
Me: " I'm off to work so get the dishes done and vacuum the living room."
Sadie: "Piss off, you made the mess you clean it up...I mean, Woof." Lick, lick, lick.

MY WIFE
For the first 20 years of marriage most conversations with my lovely Explorer ended with me saying "Yes dear." But in the last 10 years I have gotten braver...more outspoken...thus "Your fault, my love, you left me unsupervised." Oddly enough, she has not tried to smother me in my sleep.