THE BATHROOM CONUNDRUM

Ever since I was a young lad my Mother pounded into my and my brother's heads "Lift the seat before you pee!" I'm sure almost every guy who grew up in a North American home with this style of toilet heard the same refrain over and over again. Not sure about the rest of the world because, frankly, I'm to lazy to do the research, but in our house "Raise the Seat" was the rule.

I always thought the reason for this was because Mom (who cleaned the bathrooms) had absolutely no confidence in my, or my brother's, ability to aim; so the larger the target the better chance of hitting said target and avoiding excess...um...splashage that required cleaning. This became more important, apparently, as we boys grew older and taller thus making the target farther away. I was a bit older yet when I found out Mom also was made unhappy when she took a seat after one of her rebel, rule breaking sons neglected to "lift" and left her a wet surprise. Yup, unhappy, that describes it.

Skip forward a few years and I am living on my own and cleaning my own bathroom. Mom was right...again. Lifting the seat became my rule as well...except late at night. If I had to get up in the middle of the night I didn't turn on any lights (too bright). I would just stagger into the bathroom in the dark, check that the seat was down, and have a seat. No muss, no fuss, no wondering the next day how pee got way over there.

Then I married the "Lovely Explorer" and the rule changed. Now, not only do I have to raise the seat to pee but have to put it back down when I'm done. What the hell? Apparently, check before you sit, is not something she learned. Not sure why not, she grew up with brothers. Regardless, I have been chastised severely on many an occasion when she has sat without checking and plunged her delicate tushy into the ice cold water in the bowl. Piece of advice to young guys reading this: If this happens to your significant other DO NOT LAUGH! Bad things will result, trust me.

I'm sure there are many a fellow wondering why it has to be our job to put the seat down and not her job to check. It's her butt after all. It's not like the seat defies the laws of physics and weighs 700 pounds for women but next to nothing for men. I wish I had the answer but all I have ever figured out is life doesn't work that way. The raising and lowering of the toilet seat will forever be the job of men so pick another battle, this one is lost.