HAIKU

Bacon mushroom cheese

and two patties dripping juice

arteries be damned.

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My wallet is light

the bills just keep on coming

screw it, time to nap.

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The wind in my hair

If helmet laws were no more

and I still had hair.

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Toilet paper roll

hanging over or under

the cat still attacks.

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Snow snow snow snow snow

shovel shovel shiver sigh

sacroiliac.

AND ONCE AGAIN...STUFF

I am a fan of Science Fiction. I have been reading it for as long as I can remember and going to S.F. movies since I could afford it. There are thousands upon thousands of SF books out there yet Hollyweird keeps pumping out re-makes. "Total Recall", "Judge Dredd", "The Day The Earth Stood Still", "Robo-Cop"...the list is long and depressing. Can't find any good original ideas out there? Really? Try the Library.

I am not a nervous driver except when when being followed by a tailgater. I hate that. The only thing worse is a tailgater so close I can see the Handicap Parking Permit hanging on their mirror. How did you qualify for that permit? Sure hope it wasn't a result of tailgating some other poor bastard. Or, even worse, I sure as hell hope you don't drive like that with a handicapped passenger. BACK OFF.

Why are all the most influential people in my life women? The "Explorer" the "Instigator" the "Motivator" and the "Mominator". All these women have, in one way or another, challenged me to push my perceived limits. This is all their fault...except for the nicknames...that would be me.

I have two healthy, vibrant parents, a lovely and loving wife, two boys who make me proud, great friends and a job I love. Who needs money? Well, I wouldn't mind giving rich a try too. You know, trying new and different things and all.

I vote. If there is an election, be it Civic, Provincial or Federal, I vote. I am not so naive that I think my vote makes much of a difference but it does give me one thing for sure...the right to bitch about government. If you don't vote don't talk to me about how horrible the government is; you don't have the right.

Quick notes...you can put corn in anything...Pepsi or Coke? Who cares when there is single malt...Thin crust pizza rules...Chocolate or peanut butter not chocolate AND peanut butter...life is to short to, no. life is to short.

CANADIAN, EH?

There are times, like now, when I find myself wondering about my Canadian-ness. Not if I am a Canadian because that I surely am. I was born in Canada. My parents were  born in Canada. And my family tree stretches back to the late 1700's in Canada. But my Canadian-ness; the things in your heart and soul that make you Canadian, just don't seem to sit right with me. Yes, I am polite, yes I apologise often and yes I like having four seasons in a year but there are so many things that the world thinks are inherently Canadian that I just don't get.

I don't like hockey. I have nothing against the game, it's fast and rough and exciting for a lot of people but not for me. Hell, I can't even skate, much to my father's disappointment, I'm sure. You should see the old fart out there on the ice at 80 whatever years old still whizzing about with elbows a-jabbing. Me, I put on skates and hit the ice...literally. If I can stand up at all I waddle about like a drunken penguin...without the cuteness factor. Screw hockey.

I don't love Tim Horton's coffee. It's o.k. coffee and if somebody is going to Timmie's I'll have one but it's not my first choice. And I'm sure as hell not lining up out the door for a cup. Good Lord, lining up out the building and down the sidewalk for a coffee...nope, not me. I'll take a Starbucks or even a Second Cup, given the choice.

I absolutely hate poutine and I've never even tried it. I mean, really, french fries and gravy AND some sort of gross, lumpy, white cheesy like substance all piled together? What the hell is that? I can't even watch other people eat it. I am often told I should try it because it is good. Well, no, it's not good, it's gross and icky and as I am, at least chronologically, an adult, I don't have to try it. French fries need ketchup...on the side. Oh, and no vinegar either, Mom, that's gross too.

I love Canadian football. This may seem counter-intuitive; how could loving Canadian football make me feel less Canadian? Well here's how. The NFL appears to be the league of choice in Canada. I live in a city of over one million people and we can't seem to fill a stadium that seats about 28,000. Vancouver, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Hamilton, Toronto and Montreal also have the same problem. The only exception is Regina, but that's Saskatchewan and, well, it's Saskatchewan...nuff said.

So, there you have it. I was born here but am I, deep down, really Canadian? I do like moose and I think our money is kind of cool.

AGING GRACELESSLY

As I get older I am finding the strangest things going on with my assorted parts. Not the usual stuff like rampant growth of nose, eyebrow and ear hair or the additional wrinkly parts cropping up or the increasing effects of gravity on the moving parts. These things are to be expected. It's some other stuff that is concerning me.

It seems the hair on my head has learned to multitask. It is either turning grey, growing in wild, goofy spirals or abandoning ship altogether. I find this fairly impressive considering the rest of me can't brush my teeth and walk down the hall without bumping into a wall or door.

I will also find myself getting up and wandering into the dining room, needing something from both the kitchen and the bedroom, but stopping dead in my tracks, racked with indecision, wondering which way to go first. I will stand there like the proverbial donkey confronted with two separated bales of hay who ultimately starves because he can't decide which way to go.

Then, of course, there is the whole staying up to party problem. Well, not really a problem anymore as I just can't do it. New Years Eve, this year, I looked over at the "Explorer" and said, "It's 11:00 which makes it Midnight in Saskatoon so Happy New Year, I'm off to bed."

But the worst thing to happen lately is scaring me a bit...a lot...tremendously...
I was watching a very trashy movie the other day called "Avalanche Sharks" (I won't explain it, you would think I was making it up so Google It). The movie takes place at a ski resort that seems to be occupied solely by college girls in bikinis. (Like I said...Google it). I am watching this travesty of a movie, actually getting bored, when during one scene a guy goes by pushing a snow blower and I think to myself...Hey, boring, busty, bikini babe, get out of the way, I think that's Honda's new HSS928 snow blower and I want to see it...

Oh please, somebody put me out of my misery.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year to everyone, unless you follow the Julian calendar, in which case that was yesterday, or you are Chinese whose new year is January 31, or a follower of the Islamic calendar whose new year is in October, or Mayan whose calendar is...well...over...Oh, screw it, Happy Wednesday. 

Now, I know a lot of people ring in the new year by making resolutions but I have never been one for that. I know myself well enough to realize I am, for the most part, too lazy to follow through, so why bother. When people inevitably ask if I made a resolution I tell them I am going to go another year without trying heroin or crack cocaine. Insert your favorite Rob Ford joke here.

I did have a (fleeting) thought, that I would start an exercise program this year. Nothing crazy, mind you, no point in being silly about the whole thing. No gym membership, which just turns into another monthly bill shrinking  my wallet but not my waist. No fancy exercise machines as I already have lots of things to hang clothes on. No weird, fad foods like vegetables unless strategically hidden in my pizza. You know, just a basic exercise program.

As it turns out, good old Ma Nature has taken it upon herself to construct my exercise program for me. Starting last October, three times a week, outside I go for 45 minutes of cardio and weightlifting and the only equipment I need is a snow shovel. So far so good...no heart attacks.

I did have a plan for the first day of the new year. I was going to do a whole bunch of nothing. Started out okay but best laid plans and all that. Got to thinking about making some bread in the bread maker. Checked the pantry for ingredients and need flour. Okay, need a trip to Safeway. Oops, Ma Nature wants me to perform my workout. Okay, now to Safeway. The "Explorer" says "Hey, you going to Safeway"? Right, start a list. Okay, NOW to Safeway. Successful trip, time to make bread. Hit the pantry for the ingredients. Hmmm, this pantry is sure disorganized, I'll just shuffle some stuff around. Right, bread. Crap, I'm hungry. Throw a little something in the oven. Much better now. Crap again, dirty dishes. Okay, FINALLY everything into the bread maker. Double crap, more dirty dishes. I really should have just gone to 7-11 for a loaf of Wonder bread. This better be worth it.